So I've had a rough couple days. There's a sense in which I have to talk about it, like taking a mental shower. Back at home I'm listening to my music, my dog is snoring quietly and I'm alone. When I'm in Ithaca I'm in my Mom's house, or I'm hanging out at Dom's, or I'm working, or I'm hanging out with a hundred million strangers in some crowded bar. The din of my life in Ithaca is deafening... all the more so for all its deadening silences.

I work a job that I love. I love all my jobs, but this one in particular. It's challenging, mentally and physically; it's hyper social; it pays well; my workmates kick ass. We fuck up all the time, every little thing can go wrong on any given shift. We work incredibly hard, and most situations we can handle. The problem is the impatience of the customers, and the way we're treated as Gimme! employees at the market. Somehow we've been implicated in some wrong-doing or incompetence, and people feel free to abuse us; to criticize what they don't understand and demonize us and our bosses. We worked so hard yesterday, and at the end of the day I made the mistake of checking a critical post on the traitorous interwebs. The outpouring of criticism and snide self-righteousness took the wind right out of my sails, and in addition to the fatigue and the hormonal reset of another wasted breeding cycle, I'm feeling utterly defeated.

What's wrong with people? This is exactly what I'm talking about when I mention the "ugly left". The shrill, reactionary "criticism" that takes an ideological position in relation to real people in real situations. Just because there's more than one Gimme! and the owner doesn't want to hang around 25% of the time doesn't mean that we aren't all good people trying to do our best. I'm trying *really hard* to make Gimme! a good experience at IFM and I fucking resent all this petty bullshit. As far as I'm concerned, Gimme! shouldn't continue at IFM after this year. It's just not worth it. Between the hassle and the expense (time, money, effort) there's little room for vitriolic ingratitude, and frankly the nay-sayers can kiss my ass. Don't come if you don't like it, we don't need your business and we sure as shit don't enjoy your attitude.

That all felt good to say, but there's a more general point in there. I'm tired of uncritical criticism. I'm tired of ideologues and their jerky knees. It started with the SU GSO, and the kerfuffle over the Drumlins country club funding. The leftly inclined hear the words "country club" and are suddenly transformed into petition-filing powerhouses of righteous indignation. "How dare the golf and tennis players of SU get free access through the GSO's support!! Aren't the golf and tennis players of SU all rich?! Make them PAY!!" It makes me sick to my stomach. I hated those meetings. It didn't matter how many times someone would try to slow their roll, telling them that a lot of country club regulars are international students who can't go home often (a vulnerable minority), and that many of them are NOT wealthy. Every time there was a new delegate from whatever department who heard about the GSO funding and objected to it, they would stand up and demand a reckoning, and an audit, and an outrage. Uncritical criticism. Infuriating, noisy puppets. Listening to them makes me so angry, sometimes it's hard to breathe.

But breathe I do. I'm not out of patience. I can smile even when I'm grinding my teeth. But it's like a cage, keeping up the appearance. I'm not relaxed, I'm vigilant. I have to keep all the cracks sealed, smile and remain open. People still surprise me sometimes. But I'm tired, and I'd rather be alone than pretend to understand where you're coming from, since you make it so difficult. Somehow I need a straw man, a "you" that the singer sings to. Of course I sigh to myself, and remember that we're all just human beings, ignorant, incompetent, impossible. But lately all that breath-taking and remembering just feels like another cage. Somehow the cages have proliferated, and I'm finding myself -- for the first time -- just wanting to be alone. I have such beautiful people in my life, I'm so fortunate that way. Somehow they all feel really far away right now, even when I'm lucky enough to be standing next to them. I don't know how I came to feel so alienated, I just want it to slow down, or stop.

Maybe it's all just hormones and sleep deprivation. I'm really, really tired. Maybe I'll go to sleep tonight and everything will seem different in the morning. Here's hoping.