Well, it's been a while, a lot has happened and I haven't really had the chance to share it all. Now I'm sick, in quarantine, and waiting for the meds to kick in so I can focus on Deleuze (a lot of good focus does in Difference and Repetition, I often have to stop reading for a minute and refocus on something simple like the wall just to maintain a sense that I'm not falling down a rabbit hole). So let's hit the highlights.

This Halloween I spent in Ithaca, after so many Halloweens coming and going in other places. There were a lot of bands, including Sam's new band Attake (I can't remember if I'm spelling that right), a Misfits cover band, Chapel Perilous and last the Gwar cover band, with Jake, Brian and Chi, which was really amazing.

Chi in just about the coolest outfit ever.

Phoebe looked fabulous, she had a head too that was filled with blood for the band to cut off.

Dan hired me as a photographer so I could take pics for his lady in Cali

I have more pics on Flickr for anyone who's interested. I had to stop taking pictures at a certain point because the blood gun came out (among other things) and I don't have a fluid-tight casing. It was great to be there, so many people were there, it was a real event.

The following weekend I had a family reunion on the Michniewicz side, and we all met down at my Uncle and Aunt's place in Lansdale, PA for Polish food and family time. Lots of poker, it was great to see everyone again. Two of my cousins are getting married soon, so I'm looking forward to seeing them all again in a few months. My grandparents are buried at Our Lady of Cestachowa near Lansdale, so we went to see them too. It was strange to see my grandmother's grave for the first time, although her stone had been there already when we buried my grandfather. Now they're both there, and I guess I haven't really wrapped my head around it yet. I should have taken some time to sit there alone, but I was impatient to get away, for some reason it felt hollow standing there, and that above all is what I didn't want to experience. At any rate, I'm happy that there's such a place for them to rest, surrounded by other Polish people of their generation.

Then on Sunday the one and only Legendary Shack Shakers came to Castaways, and I was beside myself with excitement. They're one of my favorite bands to see live and they didn't disappoint, except in that they didn't play for very long. The show wasn't well promoted and not as many people were there, plus it being a work night for a lot of people, so perhaps they were disappointed in us, but we certainly loved it.

Last Wednesday, I headed off to Chicago for the annual SPEP meeting (Society for Phenomenology and Existential Philosophy). The opportunity was doubly awesome because I got to hang out with Collin and Emily who have an amazing apartment around Logan Square and a kitten that is just about the cutest, sassiest thing I have ever met. Arna was visiting at the same time and it was a really great time hanging out with them when I wasn't at the conference. I really, really loved Chicago, I think it's right on par with Toronto in terms of big cities that have the neighborhoody smallness and greenspace that distinguishes them from cities like New York that I just can't handle in the longterm. Housing was also remarkably cheap. Arna is moving there in January, so I have a feeling that with such a big Ithaca contingency out there, I will definately be frequenting.

The conference itself was very, very intense. The International Institute of Hermeneutics had a panel Thursday morning, so I was up bright and early to catch the train down there. I was instantly comfortable navigating around Chicago, they really make it easy despite the fact that the public transit is in rough shape and slow. There were a lot of people I recognized at the conference, various professors and students that I have run into in my various locations. Margherita was there with a group from Leuven, and though I wasn't able to hang out with her much it was really great to see her. I was able to have lunch with Sean, who's been a great support and example for me since that first class in phenomenology at UofT. He's one of the few academic role models that really inspires me with optimism and supports my ambition in the most positive way, and after feeling awkward all weekend in amongst all the scholars, it was really nice to spend some time with someone who's known me for a pretty long time, academically speaking.

One of the real highlights of the meeting was the SU graduate panel on Marion. Holly, Francis, Jill and Paul all presented papers on Marion's aesthetics, and it was really a great session. The audience asked great questions and brought up real points of interest, and I feel very fortunate to be a part of this department. I'm still having a hard time adjusting, but my admiration for the other graduate students makes me think that once I finally get my feet under me they'll push me in the best possible way. Here's a pic of all of us (plus some alumni and minus Francis, who took the picture, and Mark, who's somewhere to the bottom right):

On that front, I'm really struggling to catch up with the demands of paper-writing season. My first paper for Caputo was a disappointment to me, and I think looking down the barrel of the rest of the semester, I'm going to have to chalk this one up to a steep adjustment curve. The course work here is really demanding, there's a LOT of reading, and my inclination to really understand things makes me take longer with texts than I really should. I've never been good at skimming, and I'm not really inclined to get better at it. I think it's a false skill, and I resent advanced academia for making it necessary. My papers have always suffered from too wide a scope, but now I am particularly vulnerable, since the swath of at least two of my classes is really, really wide. Nonetheless, this is an opportunity to form a routine that will carry me through a graduate program that I will be in for a number of years, so I feel optimistic that I can do my best to salvage this semester and do better in the semesters that follow.

I'm trying really hard to adjust my attitude about falling short of my expectations, not only because my expectations are crazy, but also because I cannot continue to be so negative about myself and my work. My mental health and thus also my work suffer more from my self-flagellation than from anything else, and it's time to grow up. As Sean said, I need to learn how to play, and part of that is getting the business under control. Wish me luck, in a sense it's about letting go, and anyone who knows me knows how hard it is for me to let go of ANYTHING, let alone a pattern I've developed for nearly ten years.

I've also realized that a big part of my social anxiety and awkwardness has to do with how sensitive and introspective I am. I read and respond to people (well or badly) without even thinking about it, and so my behavior has a kind of unconscious spontaneity that makes me cringe when it goes wrong, even for years afterward. Paroxysms of shame eviscerate my interior peace and I end up seeking some external outlet just to distract myself from all that negativity, without rejecting it or dealing with it, and it's just another form of misplaced self-indulgence. I am, for better or worse, a painfully shy introvert, and though I need to continue to move outward, it can't be this forced kamikaze leap all the time. Now that I've spent a few years forcing myself out, I think I'm going to accept the fact that most of the time I'd rather be silent, and let my thoughts mature at their own pace. Hopefully between inside and outside, I can find a balance that will help me feel more resourceful, and increase the coherence of my contribution. I've only got a few more years before I will be teaching, and I'd like to be at peace by then, if at all possible.

Well, my sinuses have cleared, and my eyes aren't burning from fever anymore, so I should start reading. I hope everyone is well, and for the Americans, have a happy thanksgiving.