Ahh the blogosphere... I've been away for a while, but in a sense, this is something of a sideshow, and I will remind everyone that even the freaks need a hiatus now and then.

I've been moving around a lot. Ithaca, Pittsburgh, Rochester, Toronto, Long Island, Syracuse, all more or less in the span of three months and I am bone tired. It doesn't help that the Syracuse religion department throws you on your feet as soon as you step in the door, but of course it bears mentioning that they do everything I've never expected a department to do to support their graduate students. It literally feels like I just walked into someone's living room, and I'm supposed to find my place and contribute... An odd combination of hospitality and capture. That being said, life is good.

Let's begin at the beginning. Coming home was even more than my nostalgia made it out to be. I have a high capacity for idealization, as is readily apparent, still I failed to imagine what awaited me. Ithaca is one of those places that you're lucky enough to find, let alone be from. I actually get anxious trying to describe it, because it's so experiential. It's not anything I could list about Ithaca that would convey what it is, so of course my arsenal fails. I'm a great lister, I like modifiers. To put it in an utterly banal way, I'm recharged, ready to go.

Going back to Pittsburgh was a trip. I miss the people. It was great hanging out with everyone, catching up, one dollar pints of PBR. If you put a lime or a lemon in a PBR, it's a totally different beer. I thought I would miss the Belgian beer, and I do sometimes, but honestly it's all beer to me. I have a very utilitarian view of it. Don't get me wrong, Belgian beer is way better, but in the end I think I'd rather socially drink four beers than drink one too fast and pass out uttering strings of unintelligibles.

At any rate, Pittsburgh too is a special place, I wish it was closer so there could be a more ready exchange. People are doing exciting things and I miss being a part of the conversation. I can't handle the environmental factors though. The industrialization, pollution, lack of infrastructure, economic depression and terrible grocery offerings make me feel like I'm stooping all the time, avoiding blows and becoming bitter by the minute. Some people thrive in that atmosphere, but I'm a hippie at heart, I'd rather be surrounded by farms and relatively clean air.

Toronto was bittersweet. I will love the city until I die, but I have made a hostile atmosphere for myself in certain quarters and so the feeling of homelessness is dramatically exacerbated. Gotta deal. It's a big city, and all the things I love about it are still the same, thank god. Seeing a few really close friends made it more than worth it. I'll be going again soon for others I didn't get a chance to see.

The big event in Toronto, of course, warrants its own paragraph. Leah and Ian got married. It was unlike any wedding I've ever been to, though naturally when two creative and beautiful people get married, it's usually likewise beautiful and creative. Claire and Luke's wedding was also an event for the books, as it were. (I delight in American idiom, I defy anyone who says English isn't a philosophical language.) So Leah and Ian got married, literally surrounded in a many layered circle of family and friends, and everyone cried and was happy. Leah's vow was utterly beautiful in sentiment and her unique spirituality, and the whole ceremony had a kind of joyous solemnity about it. The food was good, the bar was open, and I have great pictures out in the ether. I'll post the pic of the David Niners here, it's good to store historical records in more than one place. Well, different pockets anyway.

(Tina, Leah, me, Melissa)

Coming to Syracuse was a many staged process, and I still don't feel completely here yet. But this is one of the milestones: getting back to a writing (and reading) routine. I am so far behind of any schedule I could propose for myself that there have already been a few hundred-meter dashes. I don't mind really. There's been a big shakeup in Ashleyland and I have to get back to full speed a few baby steps at a time.

Speaking of shakeup, I'm not the only one. Old Smokey has joined me from Grandma's house and twice (!) he was dropped, including once -- on his head -- by me. It took him a few days to do anything but hide, including eat or go to the bathroom, but now he's levelling out. I bought him some treats and accomodations and he's getting less nervous every day. He's discovered my bed, and now thinks it's his. It forces me to make my bed at any rate, and he's cute when he's sleeping. I got him this pink basket -- it was the only color they had -- with imitation sheep's wool as a bed, and put some catnip in it. Now it's like his girlfriend. He hardly even lays in it, just rolls around and talks, kneads it with his clawless paws. I'm sure the catnip is gone by now, it must be the association.

Meantime, I've been trying to get comfortable in the new place. My apartment is easy, it's just time and money. I love living alone. No demands, no one else to worry about ('cept Smokey), I leave the dishes as long as I want, I put everything where I can reach it, it's glorious. The department is a different story. Trying to find a place for myself in a tight-knit, highly congenial academic atmosphere -- in a different discipline -- is like coming in from the cold and getting dirty snow on someone's authentic persian rug. It's unnerving to misread situations here. I put my foot in my mouth on a daily basis. I think it's part and parcel with my social anxiety: it's relatively assured that I will make an ass of myself as soon as I get comfortable. I'm far too forthcoming with half-baked speculations and sentimental excess. My friends accept this about me, even if they're not consciously aware of it. Friends are rare, I try to keep them, but I'm not awesome at it.

I think I'll end it there. It's time to figure out what to do next. I wrote a paper and gave a presentation last night and this afternoon, so I'm taking the rest of the day off reading and writing. I need to put pictures and mirrors up, and generally get this place in working shape.

I hope everyone is well.

Cake